I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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