Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love having hate sex.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
