and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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