I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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