god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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