I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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