I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i came on her dog
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just want to make out with him forever
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
