I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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