I wish I could teleport
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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