Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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