Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
