I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
