Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
