well I can't set my house on fire every night
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
