In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
