Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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