So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
love makes seman taste better
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
