She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
