trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
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What a dumb baby whore.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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