hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
