I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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