Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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