just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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