Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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