you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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