Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
