Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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