What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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