I just threw up on my dentist
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
