I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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