so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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