dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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