Im at strip club and am horny
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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