you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
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Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i think my cat just said my name.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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