; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
