I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
