I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
