I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
