I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
