just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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