some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
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OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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