Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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