Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
