I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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