May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
