I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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