i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
