So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
