New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
