It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
