Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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