My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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