Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
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I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
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I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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