corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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