A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
