You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
