Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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