last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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