I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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