I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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